mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
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If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Look at this
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.