Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good Morning.

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

never deleting this app.

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”