Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

#SaturdayBears

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

Saw your ex at the shops

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

*performs CPR on the turkey*

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes