Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

Good morning.

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span