MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
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would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity