Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
