Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
