Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
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Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned