Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

*praying for world peace*
God:

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

This gonna be me in 2 weeks

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business