Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

there has never been a better use of this meme

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.