*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
You Might Also Like
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
This raises questions
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET