*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse

Elsa: LET IT GO!

Mugger: LET IT GO!


Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: LET IT GO!

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Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?


Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?


I think the hardest part about being a cashier is telling the girl buying 3 pregnancy tests to “Have a nice day”


My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.


[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ?? ???? is ????? ???? and ?? ????.


God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”


lol these ppl “don’t see race” right up until you start making beloved fictional characters black, then they’re 18th century anthropologists


cop: there he is! get him!

‘you’ll never catch me! i’m translucent-man!’
*goes translucent*

cop: we can still kinda see you


Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade


*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*