Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

[montage of me giving-up]

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB