*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
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“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this