[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
You Might Also Like
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
when unicorns get really drunk
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Just this preview of the story is enough
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this