[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
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I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Time for evil
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.