[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
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KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.