Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
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[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*