Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

Fluff me with a fork baby

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

7-11 CLERK: what are you doing

ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.