Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

Bringing home a sharpie

So the ex texted me

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.