Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

This pepper has seen some shit

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

The days of good grammer has went

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

the greatest twitter interaction

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

ㅤ

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries