mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
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If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.