Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

My zodiac sign is pistachio

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

imagine getting destroyed like this

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.