Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

finally found a reasonable question

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

can’t bark with your mouth full

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant