Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
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Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.