[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
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[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
british sex workers really pound for pound
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.