Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

Friends that check up on you >

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”