muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
it be like that
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
GM✌🏻
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?