muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
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For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
concern
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Dune (2021)
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery