Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

WIFE: So what did you do today?

ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.