Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss