[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
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this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Just me and my debit card against the world
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies