[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
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They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
need him
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting