[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
You Might Also Like
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
🍞🦆
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Is….Is this an option?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No