Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

Survivor: The Dryer Edition.

Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

I’m a self-made hundredaire

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”