Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

choose your gary

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

Him: How did he die?

Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.

Him: A murder?

Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.