MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
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An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Thinking about Jeff
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate