MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
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Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Home is where your toilet is.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.