MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
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And bowling should be called pinball
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
How tf did it end up there?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.