Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.