Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!

My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!