Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
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Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
cause of death:
autopsy.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Noah was an idiot.
