Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

This line from Airplane.

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

I’m not alone. I have ants.

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

Confused owl: What?!

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.