Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

[adds another nod to the conversation]

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…