Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
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I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
😩😩😩
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired