Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

Lmao the reply

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!