Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.