@thehubrispanda

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

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@SaltyCorpse

Parenting is cool…

I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.

@bourgeoisalien

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

@WhiteBoyBubz

Netflix should have a category called
“easy to follow while looking at my
phone the whole time”

@PaperWash

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

@ThaJawn

Judas: You guys coming to the last supper?

Everyone Else: Why’d you call it that?

@Cpin42

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

@bitterlittleman

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

@sonictyrant

If you play any Radiohead song backwards it gives you the directions to a hip little sushi place in New York.