Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
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My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.