Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
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Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
This is my bus stop.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Good morning.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here