Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.