Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
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[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Go hard or stay average
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.