Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
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My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.