Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete