MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
You Might Also Like
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker