Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

And bowling should be called pinball

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

I created you as mosquito food.

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.