applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
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*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
broke down and did it
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.