@drinksmcgee

Mumford & Sons is my favourite upholstery shop turned musical act.

Mumford & Sons is my favourite upholstery shop turned musical act.

- @drinksmcgee

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@salamingia

The best part about getting up to get an apple is when you come back with Doritos.

@JohnLyonTweets

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

@annoyed__asian

Today’s tea:

) ) )
) ( ) )
_(___(____)____(___(__ _
if white people /
invaded half of / __
the world for / |
spices, why do /——
they not use it /
_______________/

@TommyWallace

“Yeah I just really enjoy playing devil’s avocado sometimes”

Teacher: devil’s advocate?

Me [grabbing trident and avocado costume]: no.

@RidiculousSheri

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

@Jandalize

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

@sip_at_home_mom

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

@briangaar

Son, that bear is more afraid of you than you are of … oh wow, that bear is being really brave right now.