Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Would you wear it?
#parenting
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
#CoronaOutbreak
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.