Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
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What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
God, I love Scotland