Mummies are just super modest zombies
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Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
How does one answer this?
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Icarus loved hot wings.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”