Mummies are just super modest zombies
You Might Also Like
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Meowchelangelo
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.