Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
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Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Received some very disappointing news today
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Multitask? I can barely unitask
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.