Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun