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I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
grandpa was shocked
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
*eating catfish*
This looks nothing like it did on the menu
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
50 shades of grey = my Liver