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Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
Customer is always right
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
They got Raph!
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.