mumsnet is amazing
You Might Also Like
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
How to make infinite energy.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.