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REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
guys i’ve cracked the code
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!