Muppet Screams
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Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Covid like
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.