Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

as a kid: i have to save up for this toy

as an adult: i have to save up for this rent

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.