Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Check your privilege

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

Honey I made you some hotdog water

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.