Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

#Caturday

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

only 11 steps left

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.