Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Y’all ready for this
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Smells like a challenge to me
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.