Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
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Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
It will always be this
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
You can’t outrun your problems…
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there