Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
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The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.