Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
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Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.