The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
You Might Also Like
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself